*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
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My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.