*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
You Might Also Like
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
for all #parents out there