the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
You Might Also Like
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!