The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
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quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.