If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
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Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones