4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
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As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –