God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
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“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted