Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
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I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES