Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
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All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.