By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
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Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
All excellent questions
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.