angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
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What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Is this you?
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.