Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
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One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”