*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
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life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.