My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
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[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
My neck, my back, my…
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Not today, today.
Not today.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit