Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
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[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
Greeting humans vs their dogs
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.