At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
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A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”