I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
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My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Y’all ready for this
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed