Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
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Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Potatoes were such a good idea
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
It’s the weekend y’all
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve