Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
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ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.