Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
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“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
You sure about that?
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop