*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
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I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.