a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
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My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.