Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
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Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food