It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
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[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
what?
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.