Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
You Might Also Like
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*