6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
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popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
For the baby who has everything
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.