[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
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If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
According to math, I’m broke
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.