Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
You Might Also Like
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
For the orator and chef in all of us
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.