ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
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Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
Alexa, make me look good naked.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*