I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
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Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Running from your problems is cardio .
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
We need more people like this.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*