If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
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Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Breaking news:
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume