Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
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6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.