I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
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All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
LA today:
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
How to draw a duck
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀