anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
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The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
man: wait
time: no
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Here’s a meme