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Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Watson was Holmes schooled
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
Heroic Misunderstanding
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine