8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
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My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Meow
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.