Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
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Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Sell your car
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”