My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
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People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…