Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
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Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know