Oceanography is all about current events
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There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Chicago sounds lovely.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change