God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
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I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
When the stylist spins you back around
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot