him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
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The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
[at the general store]
me: one general please
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
[loses house key, starts a new life]
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.