[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
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Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
Best spot.. 😅
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
Skills