*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
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I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself