Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
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How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
also my go-to takeaway order
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Did my cat write this
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.