Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
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I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.