Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
You Might Also Like
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Body by Oreos
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information