piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
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“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see