In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
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The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
i’m still crying at this
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.