Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
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Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
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The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.